This topic has been a big one for me since our journey of caring for Rob's dad started. I find myself feeling grateful for the time we've had with him, exhausted by the sheer weight of responsibility of caring for someone as they come to the end of their life and often overwhelmed by the simple things when everything seems so...critical.
One of the things that I've been very blessed with is the support of friends (often where I least expect it) and the way the universe has placed people in my path that are unlikely allies. One of my clients and I have connected recently, she cared for her husband through his battle with cancer and has been an amazing and unexpected source of strength in my life. Amazing how you can go from advising someone on their insurance to discussing the good, bad and ugly of being a primary caregiver to a person who is dying. It's been an amazing experience because one of the things I struggle with is not burdening people, often when people ask "How are things going" they really don't want to hear about the bedsores, vomiting, confusion, family battles, doctors reports that all seem to contradict each other or the overwhelming love and exhaustion that goes hand in hand with a situation like this. I don't want to sound consumed by this situation but the reality is I am and have been for a long time, I find myself wondering who we will be when this is all over with. Hell, I find myself wondering who I am today.
Of course add to this my battle with healthy eating, the struggle to declutter my home and life and the billions of things that come along in a normal day with raising a family, sustaining a loving marriage and working a full time job. Little wonder I often feel like hiding under my covers and often spend every spare moment in my PJ's and not wanting to leave the house because it's all too overwhelming. I think the end result has left me in a constant struggle with myself to appear the ever-supportive and strong caregiver to a sobbing mess that just wants to scream out "SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ME DAMMIT, I'M WAY TOO LITTLE FOR THIS"!
I have to focus on caring for myself because if I don't I won't have darn thing to give to anyone else. I need to stop feeling guilty for the days I don't even bother to put a bra on (I really love Saturdays for that lol) and the moments I lounge in the tub trying not to think of the million things I should be doing.
I've survived the loss of my father in an earth shattering abrupt accident, the loss of a very good friend in the flash of a moment, the loss of my grandfather in a heart wrenching but mercifully quick battle with cancer and now am facing the loss of my father in law who seems in many ways to have been dying for the last 2 years. If nothing else I'll be a source of experience and inspiration for other people facing the loss of a loved one, I feel like I've faced it all at this point.
